


Exit Only

by Star Struck Crossiant (AMatterOfLifeAndDeath)



Series: Exit Only Universe [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternative Universe-Modern Setting, M/M, No Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:41:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22871167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AMatterOfLifeAndDeath/pseuds/Star%20Struck%20Crossiant
Summary: Kili wakes up after a night of drunken fun to find he may have had too good a time.
Relationships: Fíli/Kíli
Series: Exit Only Universe [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2079981
Comments: 11
Kudos: 45
Collections: GatheringFiKi - Winter FRE 2020





	1. Chapter 1

Kili moaned when the sunlight hit his eyelids from the gap in the blinds, piercing straight into his brain which was quickly attempting to escape his head via his ears. His mouth felt like an entire bag of cotton balls had taken up residence, drying it to Sahara levels of moisture, and every time he moved, his stomach made sure to let him know that if he continued to do so, he would be examining its contents up close from the outside.  
Not one of my more inspired ideas he thought, as he let out a tortured moan. He rolled to the side of the bed, his bones feeling like spun glass under his skin. To be fair, it wasn’t as if he went out intending to drink his body weight in whiskey. He just was born with a patented inability to look after his own welfare, especially when he was out with his best friends Tauriel and Ori. They had met up with his cousin Gimli at Erid Luin, the hot new gay club on the other side of town. Ori had been begging Kili to go with him for weeks, mostly as an excuse to see his new boyfriend Dwalin, a huge baldheaded man that Ori had met at one of his knitting classes who was a bouncer there. What Dwalin was doing at a knitting class was a mystery to Kili, but he wasn’t curious enough to risk the question, especially when Dwalin fixed him with his dead eyed stare and squeezed his hand to the point of possible breakage when they first met. Ori was happy with him, and that was good enough for Kili.  
What was not good for Kili was his current state of disarray. He had dinner with his mom later that night, and if he showed up looking like he had just been hit by a bus, she was sure to make him pay worse than any hangover ever could. He needed to get himself back into human form pronto, and to do that he needed to start at the beginning – water, then painkillers, then more water, then shower. If none of that worked he might consider just crawling under his bed and calling it a day, but that was a worst case scenario. Mentally shaking himself, he made a supreme effort and managed to fight against gravity and gain his feet. He shuffled through his living room, clocking Ori sprawled over his couch, wearing nothing but a sock, snoring with abandonment. He scrunched his eyebrows together and looked down, relieved to see that drunk him had enough foresight to actually put on pants. He counted that as a win.  
Just as he was on his third glass of water, Tauriel bounded into the kitchen.  
“Good morning Sunshine!” she said. “Or should I say afternoon?”  
Kili groaned. “Please Tauriel. Volume.”  
She sniffed. “Lightweight. If you can’t handle the time don’t do the crime and all that jazz. By the way, you look awful.”  
Kili squinted at her, pushing his hair out of his eyes, and scowling. “By the way, I didn’t ask you. What are you doing here still? Shouldn’t you be meeting Legolas for your date?”  
She plopped down at the kitchen table. “I’m leaving soon, but I didn’t want to go without making sure you two were still in the land of the living. Especially after last night. Are you going to show me what you got? I’m still mad you wouldn’t let me go with you.”  
Kill looked at her blankly. “What are you talking about?”  
Tauriel blinked. “Uh, you don’t remember?”  
Kili was about to ask her what she was talking about when a loud pleading noise made its way out of the living room, and Ori zig zagged his way into the kitchen.  
“Please, not so LOUD guys, I’m busy trying to die here.” He said, shuffling to the table and collapsing on a chair, his head hitting the table top with a dull thump.  
Kili snorted, then tossed the bottle of Advil at Tauriel who caught it in one hand. “Make sure he gets some of those into his system before you take off yeah? And maybe find his underwear? I’ve got to go get a shower or there’s no way I’m going to be conscious enough to face my mom. I’ll be back in a minute.”  
He made his way back to his bathroom, turning the water on full blast and waiting for it to heat up. He stripped off his pajama pants, wincing a little when he twisted his hips. His lower back was super sore. He tried to think back to whether he had fallen over anything in his drunken haze, but he was coming up blank. To be honest, most of last night was a complete blur of flashing lights and loud music. He shrugged it off and made his way under the steam. His face engulfed in the hot spray. He let it wash over his head, unknotting his muscles and making him feel vaguely like a living creature again. Once he was done soaping up his long hair and scrubbing his face he turned around and hung his head back to rinse. After just a few seconds he let out a sharp yelp.  
“Ow, what the hell?!” he yelled, reaching around to where the pain that he had felt before had gone from dull to intense. He felt around, and found just above the crease of his ass was the sore patch. It felt like a scratch or series of cuts, not too wide but long. He shut off the water and made his way out of the bathroom wrapping a towel around his hips. He grabbed a hand mirror his mother had given him and made his way over to the full length mirror on his bedroom mall. Letting the towel fall to the ground he turned around and then held the hand mirror up until he could see the scratches on his back.  
He blinked.  
He blinked again.  
He kept blinking until his brain finally caught up with what he was seeing and he let out an involuntary squeak.  
There, on this lower back, really almost on his butt cheeks, was a tattoo. And not any, small, mundane tattoo. No. Written across his back were the words:  
EXIT ONLY  
With a thick black arrow pointing down to…well. It certainly wasn’t subtle.  
He gawped at himself in the mirror for a few more minutes, then grabbed a pair of underwear, frantically throwing them on and making his way back to the kitchen.  
“WHAT THE HELL DID WE DO?” he yelled at Ori, who had managed to find his underwear as well and was sitting still slumped at his kitchen table.  
Ori winced. “For god’s sake stop shouting! What are you on about?”  
What am I on about?? This is what I’m ‘on about’! How the hell did this happen?!” Kili yelled turning around and pulling down his underwear, giving Ori an eye full of his new addition. The kitchen was quiet for a few beats before Kili started to hear what sounded like choking noises. The noise quickly resolved itself into peals of raucous laughter. Kili pulled his underwear back up with a huff, turning around and placing his hands on his hips.  
“This isn’t funny Ori!” He yelled, watching his best friend rolling on the floor.  
“Oh yes, yes, it is.” Ori said, managing to get himself under control after several minutes of hitching laughs. Wiping his eyes, he pointed. “I wondered what you had gotten but that…that….is priceless.”  
“What are you TALKING about? When did this happen?” Kili said.  
“You don’t remember talking Dwalin’s ear off about his tattoos and telling him about how you always wanted one? You made me drag you to the first tattoo parlor on that side of town that was open. I tried to convince you to wait but you were determined to do it last night. You wouldn’t let me see though – you said it was going to be a ‘surprise’. Which it certainly is.” Ori began to giggle again.  
Kili dropped his hands to his sides. “I don’t remember any of that.” He dropped into the chair in front of him, wincing. He put his head in his hands. “Ori, what am I going to do? I can’t walk around like this? Not to mention if I ever want to get laid again! For crying out loud, you know what I like!”  
Ori nodded, biting the inside of his cheek to keep from smiling. “Yeah, that makes this fairly ironic.”  
“How can I take a guy home and then let him see…” He gestured vaguely towards his rear. “Why the hell would I do this to myself?”  
Ori grinned. “Maybe you have a latent kink for punishment?” Kili scowled.  
Ori held his hands up in a placating gesture. “Kili, calm down. We can fix this.”  
“How the heck am I going to do that?”  
“Look, you’ll have to let it heal up, but once it’s all healed over you can go back in and get it touched up. No one will ever know it was there.”  
Kili began to shake his head violently. “I can’t let some stranger see this! I’ll never live it down!”  
Ori huffed. “Well, it’s either that or you never have sex again. Or go to the gym again. Or go to the beach again, or….”  
“Okay, Okay, I got it.” He sighed, running his hands through his hair. “Well I definitely don’t want to go back to whoever did this, especially if they didn’t give a crap enough to stop me in the first place.”  
“Well, the customer is always right.” Ori grinned and Kili rolled his eyes. “I’ll ask Dwalin where he recommends.”  
“Don’t tell him!” Kili shook his head frantically.  
“Relax, I’ll just tell him that you were serious about getting one and have him tell me the best spot. Then when you call to make the appointment you can tell them you need a cover up.”  
Kili chewed on his lower lip, but finally nodded. After all, what choice did he have?


	2. Chapter 2

Kili sat in his car staring out the windshield at the brick building in front of him. It didn’t look like a tattoo parlor to him, but then again he couldn’t really remember what the other place had looked like. Windows gave him a view of a non-descript waiting area, with a desk currently occupied by a man wearing a rather alarming looking hat. The receptionist and the pink neon sign over the door with said Erebor Tattoo and Piercing were the only indications that this wasn’t a dentist office. Kili shrugged internally.  
How bad can it be? He thought, then groaned. Considering what happened last time, fairly bad was most likely the right option. He shook his head and made his way out of the car and up to the door, intently studying the fascinating cement under his feet and trying to act like he wasn’t about to go in and get a tramp stamp touch up.  
A bell over the door dinged as soon as he opened it and the man behind the desk looked up at the sound, flashing him a wide smile. “Good afternoon, welcome to Erebor. Name’s Bofur. Do you have an appointment today?”  
Kili made a show of trying to look uninterested, glancing around at the artwork on the walls. Some of the tattoos on display were impressive, he had to admit. Beautiful dragons, bold richly colored Celtic designs, and pinup girls with minute detail were everywhere. His shoulders began to relax. Maybe Dwalin did know what he was talking about. At least it couldn’t be as bad as what he had to deal with right now.  
“Um, yeah, I have an appointment for 5 pm, Kili Durin?” he said.  
Bofur looked through his computer. “Ah, there ya are. We’ve got you booked in with Fili I see, you’re a lucky lad, and he’s the best we have besides his uncle Thorin. Thorin’s the owner, most of the work you see on the walls is their handy work.” He looked Kili up and down, noting the fairly conservative jeans and t-shirt he was wearing, no visible ink on display. “This going to be your first one?”  
Kili blushed. “Um, no, I have one already…”  
Bofur’s eyebrows made their way into his hairline, then he smirked. “Ah, are you going to be getting a little refresher on the old canvas?”  
“Something like that.” Kili said, looking anywhere but at the man in front of him.  
“Well, Fili will be out to getcha in just a sec. Go ahead and have a seat.”  
Kili sat in one of the chairs, running his hands over his thighs in a vain attempt at keeping them somewhat dry. Luckily for him, he wasn’t kept waiting for long.  
“Hey Bofur my next victim here yet?” Kili heard someone calling from the hallway to the back, followed by a chuckle. Then the gorgeous man attached to that voice rounded the corner into the lobby and Kili’s brain managed to disconnect from his body.  
He was dirty blond, wearing black jeans and a tight black t-shirt and motorcycle boots. His face sported multiple piercings but instead of taking away from his appearance, they only enhanced his features, particularly his sky blue eyes. Then he spotted Kili and smiled.  
Oh holy hell I am completely fucked. Kili thought. The guy had dimples. Adorable, knee weakening dimples which were currently melting his insides into a pool of lust filled goo. But then Kili remembered why he was here and felt his mouth go dry.  
“Hey, you my 5 o’clock?” Fili asked, eyes sparkling.  
It took everything Kili had not to bolt for the door. He would gladly jump into a hole into Hades at that very moment should one conveniently open itself at his feet.  
He cleared his throat. “Yeah, yeah that’s me.” He croaked.  
Fili held out his hand, pulling Kili to his feet. “Cool. Ready to go? My name’s Fili by the way, and you are?”  
“Kili”  
“Awesome, at least I won’t forget it. Follow me back here and we’ll get set up and you can show me what I’m working with.” Fili smirked. “From the outside, it looks like quite a lot.”  
Kili was startled, trying to gauge if Fili was just joking or was trying to flirt. From the twinkle in his eye, it was definitely flirting territory.  
Of course it is, because in about two minutes I’m going to have to show him the worst mistake of my life and that will be the end of that. Par for the course for my life. Kili thought, internally wincing at the nightmare about to descend on him. He didn’t want Fili to think his advances were unwelcome though, even if he was going to regret flirting with him as soon as he took a look at what he was supposed to fix. So Kili flashed him his full watt smile, the one that he had been told he needed to control lest he blind oncoming drivers and the unsuspecting public.  
“I’m sure you’ll have no trouble working with everything I have.” He said.  
Fili let out a full laugh this time. “I bet not. Come on, back here.”  
Kili swallowed hard and followed Fill back into the main work area. Where four chairs were set up and currently occupied by customers in various states of discomfort.  
"We’re back here. Sorry, we had a couple of walk ins before you got here so I had to give up my chair to get everyone in. But don’t worry, I’ve got us set up where we do our piercings, we should be fine. Plus, it has the added bonus of being a little more private. Helps for conversation.” Fili said, glancing over his shoulder.  
Kili nodded his head, secretly relieved that not only would his bare ass not be hanging out for the entire population of the studio to see, but that only Fili would see what was written there. They got to the piercing room, an alcove off the main workspace separated by a curtain.  
“Got to keep this area more private, after all, you never know what someone’s going to want to have pierced.” Fili said, winking. “If you’re interested in that after we get done with your ink I would be happy to do a two for one deal. Provided I can get your number.”  
Kili gave him a smile and chuckled, trying not to chew his bottom lip off and failing miserably. Now that they were back here, he was dreading the big reveal he knew was coming. “Well, we’ll see if you still feel that way after we get done.”  
Fili looked at him, puzzled, but shrugged. “Ok, well, I know we’re doing a tattoo fix, so first off let’s take a look with what I’m working with and then I can tell you what I think might work as the best cover up. Where is it? Back, Chest, Calf?”  
“Uh, well, not exactly. I mean, I guess kinda on my back?” Kili said, going the color of a ripe tomato.  
Fili’s eyes went wide and Kili could see him struggling not to laugh already. “Please don’t tell me you got a tramp stamp.”  
Kili’s shoulders slumped. He rubbed at the back of his neck. “Uh, yeah. I’m afraid so. I was kinda drunk at the time and apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea. As well as the choice of….composition.”  
“Well now I’m really intrigued.” He clapped his hands together. “Ok, let’s see it. I’m afraid you’re going to have to take off your pants.”  
Kili took a deep breath. “Ok.” He steeled himself and undid his belt, pushing his jeans down and off. Telling himself to just get it over with he pulled down the waistband of his underwear and rucked up his t-shirt, turning his back to Fili.  
The silence seemed to last for at least a minute before Kili couldn’t take it anymore, and glanced over his shoulder. He saw Fili with his hand over his mouth, desperately trying to hold in the laughter which was shaking his entire body. Fili kept trying to contain his laughter, for which Kili was grateful. He didn’t want to draw the attention of the entire studio.  
This is more horrible then I ever thought this would be. He thought, suddenly wondering what the hell he was doing. He pulled up the waistband of his pants and grabbed his jeans off the floor, frantically trying to get them turned out so he could put them back on.  
“Um, let’s just forget I wasted your time, ok? I’ll just see myself out.” Kili mumbled.  
He felt Fili reach out for his shoulder and he flinched. Then he felt Fili tilt his head up, forcing his tear filled eyes to me his baby blues.  
“Hey, it’s ok.” Fili said, putting his hands on Kili’s shoulders. “There’s no reason to be ashamed. Everyone makes stupid decisions when you’re drunk sometimes.”  
“Not this stupid!” Kili exploded, giving up and slumping onto the bench. “This has to be one of the worst things you’ve ever seen! And I don’t even remember why I wanted it or what happened!”  
“Well, first off, it’s not the worst thing I’ve seen. It’s certainly in my top five, but not the worst. That would be a guy whose friends decided to have a penis tattooed on his forehead while he was passed out so that way when everyone looked at him they would know how much of a dick he was.”  
Kili let out a weak chuckle, wiping his eyes. “Is that for real?”  
Fili smiled at him. “Yep, took me all night to come up with something to cover that up, But I did it, and I can fix this for you, no problem. You just have to trust me, ok?”  
Kili smiled his first genuine smile since walking in the door. “Ok.” He put his jeans back on the floor and laid down on the bench on his stomach.  
“Great. Alright, let’s get started then. Got anything in mind?”  
“Not really, just anything that’s going to cover up that monstrosity is fine with me.”  
Fili nodded, walking around Kili and looking at the tattoo from different angles, trying to calculate the best way to go about it – and secretly admiring the firm ass that the tattoo was pointing out.  
“I’ve got what I think is the perfect idea. It will only take me a couple of hours, if you’re up for it.”  
“I’m all yours.” Kili said, laying his head down on his folded arms.  
“I’m hoping I might get the chance to see if that could be true.” Fili said lightly, giving a relieved smile when Kili chuckled. He grabbed his tattoo gun and pulled up his stool. “This is probably going to be a great deal more painful than it was first time around, mostly because you’re not blitzed out of your mind, but I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.”  
Kili tensed with the first touch of the needle on his skin, but after the first half an hour the pain dulled down to a background unpleasantness that he found himself able to overlook. Especially since Fili kept up his flow of banter and flirting. He regaled Kili with stories of his clients, and Kili told him all about his work at the hospital and what it was like to be an emergency room doctor.  
Before Kili knew it, Fili was saying, “Ok, I think we’re almost done, just a few more lines and we’ll be all set. I’ll get you to a mirror so you can take a look. I assume you know how to take care of this?”  
Kili nodded. “Yeah, don’t worry, I’m very conscious about that. I know doctors don’t usually make good patients, but I’m very attached to my skin.”  
Fili put the gun down and wiped off his handwork with the alcohol swab. “Ok come on over here. Don’t worry, we’re the only ones here, everyone else left a while ago.”  
Kili followed Fili out to the row of mirrors in the main work space and Fili handed him a big hand mirror. Kili held it up and looked at what he had done, staring, unable to take his eyes off from it.  
“Well, what do you think?” Fili said, wiping and sanitizing his equipment, trying not to show how nervous he was. He thought it was some of his best work, but it remained to be seen if Kili felt the same.  
“Fili, it’s beautiful.” Kili breathed. His eyes took in the almost three dimensional raven that now took up the entirety of his lower back, its coal black wings flaring out on either side of his spine. If he hadn’t have known what used to be there, he would never have believed it. There was no trace of the old tattoo at all.  
“Glad to be of service.” Fili said, making a half assed bow and then laughing. “So tell me something, that old tattoo, did you mean that? The EXIT ONLY thing? Cause with an ass like that, it would be a real shame.”  
Kili dragged his eyes away from the mirror to look at Fili with real amusement. “Actually, no. Which is what made that all the more embarrassing.”  
He put the mirror down and gave Fili a small smirk. “As a matter of fact, I’m quite fond of having people go in through the ‘out’ door, to quote Prince.”  
Fili bit his lip. “Well, why don’t we both go out the ‘out’ door and you can come over to mine, and we’ll see if we can improve your taste in music. And I can see if there’s anything else I need to repair.”  
Kili smiled. “I’m sure you can fix all kinds of things. And besides, I think you said you had a two for one sale for me.”  
Fili laughed and grabbed his hand, pulling him towards the door. “Yep, and I’ll let you see all of mine so you can pick one you want for yourself.”  
Kili could hardly wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was super fun. I hope to do more soon. Hope you guys like it!

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic. ever. so yeah, if you could go easy....


End file.
